When talking about grief it is important to recognise that it is a multifaceted mind, spirit, body, emotional response to loss. Loss is often a permanent change, unrecoverable and in most cases final, like a death. It affects all of society as everyone will experience loss and death.
Understanding Grief
The terms grief, mourning and bereavement are often used interchangeably. Grief describes an individual’s personal response to loss and has emotional, physical, behavioural, social and spiritual dimensions. Mourning, (which most people experience), is the outward, active expression of that grief and it is through the process of mourning that grief looks to be resolved on some level. Equally, bereavement is the actual period of time after loss. It can look like depression, with anxiety, insomnia, hyperactivity and or a feeling of helplessness expressed by the grieving person.
As chaplains we have supported countless individuals experiencing grief, some starting before a death or loss. It can be an ambiguous loss, as when someone is still there; but not as they were before. This can be in response to divorce, moving away geographically, and in deteriorating health situations. All of which can and does impact the individual daily functioning such as their employment.
Importantly, loss and grief is affected by a person’s culture, religion and personality and the nature of the relationship they had with the deceased. The circumstances surrounding death will also make an impact on the grieving and bereavement process. Grief can affect people in different ways and mourning practices that are normal to one culture, can seem strange to another. Without seeking out these differences, it is difficult to know how to be sensitive to a grieving person from a different belief or cultural background.
Cappella Chaplaincy has seen the benefits of having a multifaith chaplaincy/counsellor service provision. If we are to support the needs of individuals then we need to appreciate their varying cultural backgrounds to understand their expectations and how they grieve. Different cultures and beliefs respond differently to grief and loss. We understand spiritual care needs are very important to a person at the end of their life and also for their families. They may want to finalise their finances, write a will, and consider who will receive inheritance. They may want to ‘make peace’ with others, or inform someone who is a far distance to come visit.
Grief is unique to the individual
Different circumstances and situations will impact how we move forward in the grieving process. Buffering the immediate shock of loss, numbs us in our emotions such as denial and helps in becoming a defence. You may have heard a colleague, friend or family member say “this isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” which is a normal reaction to rationalise overwhelming emotions. Often there is anger in realising that the person’s death is a reality, along with feelings of ‘why has this happened’? It could be anger at different things. Sometimes we bargain by focusing on the past, “If only”, we had sought medical attention sooner, tried to be a better person toward them.
Yet, the grieving process will be unique to you. We may start to believe there was something we could have done differently to have helped save our loved one. Depression in some can set in, sadness and regrets, worries or intense feelings of emptiness, feeling like you can’t go on. Then finally, acceptance, a sense that life has to continue. It is important to be self-aware during these expressions of emotions. Looking after your well-being and taking care and supporting yourself emotionally is a crucial phase of recovery. One of the ways you can look after yourself is by receiving support after someone close to you has died. A professional listener can make a profound difference to your grieving process, and how well you are able to adapt to living without them. Therefore, it is important to engage with some form of listening support whether a trusted friend, face-to-face support or online support from people who care about you. These strategies will make a huge difference to you over time and enable you to cope through the grieving journey and receive gradual healing.
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